My silent struggle...

This post may take most of you by surprise but I feel the need to share my story. I feel as if I need to express how I have been feeling the last year so that I can start to move on and heal. I haven't expressed my silent struggle to many of you because I was patiently waiting and hoping that it was something that wouldn't be around for long. I was hoping that it wouldn't become an "issue" and that I was feeling nervous over nothing. I was hoping that this struggle wouldn't become a part of my life. I was secretly hoping that I wouldn't have to deal with this.

Loren and I have been trying to get pregnant now for about a year and nothing has happened. I would have never thought in a million years that I would struggle with this. I easily got pregnant with my first two within a few months of trying and had great pregnancies. I guess I just assumed that since my first two came so easily that the others would too. This wasn't the case. After Loren and I had Lia we felt like there were more babies to come. We didn't feel like we were done growing our little family. When we got married, we always talked about having 3 or 4. That was our little plan. Last June we decided to officially start adding on to this little plan and started trying when we went to Hawaii. After Hawaii, my period was late for two weeks and I thought that I was pregnant. Then my period came and so did the disappointment. I struggled with my periods being off schedule after that and I couldn't really figure it all out. It always seemed to come late and with that I would feel tired and sick and then it would arrive. I went to see my doctor and she took blood tests and said everything looked fine. She encouraged me to tame down my runs and as hard as that was, I did. My periods calmed down a bit but I still felt off. I was taking a lot of pregnancy tests every time I was late and they were always negative. Every time I saw the negative test I was sad but I kept trying to be positive. I started taking ovulation tests to make sure I was ovulating and to try and time it just right. I started getting a little worried and I knew that that wasn't helping so I stopped. I stopped taking the tests and decided to just relax and let it happen if it was to happen. I had to stop and remember that Heavenly Father had a plan for us and that this child would come at the right time.

Soon after this trial began, I kept feeling as if maybe it wasn't our child that we were waiting for, but maybe it was someone elses. I kept this feeling a secret and didn't say anything to Loren but this feeling wouldn't go away. Loren and I discussed not taking any medical measures to get pregnant and that adoption was not in our future but I always had the idea in my head about being a Foster Parent. I even discussed this with Loren when we dated and wondered how he felt about it. He agreed that if we were in a position where it was something that we felt we wanted to do, that he was Ok with that. It was something that has always been in my heart and it is something that has become a stronger desire. After a few months I decided to bring it up again and Loren was so sweet about it. He said that he was still open to the idea. We decided to go to CA and get settled and see what would happen. We want to make sure that we will stay here and that we could get a house with the extra room if we decided to do this. So here we are and we definitely are not ready yet but we are working on getting there. We are in no hurry to make a decision quite yet and we are still trying to sell our house in Utah. Right now, we don't know how this will all play out but I feel like I needed to write this. I need to remember that just beacause I cant get pregnant that nothing is wrong with me and that I am not being punished. I have to realize that my plan may not be Heavenly Fathers plan and that I need to have faith. His timing may not be my timing and I need to be patient. It is something that we have prayed long and hard about and we need to be patient and wait for his guidance. I know he knows my trails and he is there to comfort when I need him. I know to some of you this may sound silly. I know some of my friends are also struggling and that some have never been able to get pregnant. I know many of you have had miscarriages also. That is something that I have never dealt with either. I hope I don't sound ungrateful. I am truly grateful to have had two wonderful healthy children and I have come to terms that these may be my only two and that's Ok. Those two children have brought me so much joy and I am so grateful for them. However, I still feel like I have more love to share and that we are not done growing our little family. Whether it is our own child or someone elses, we are not done sharing this love. I am grateful for the opportunity of being a mother and feeling all the joys that come with this calling. It definitely isn't an easy calling but it is so rewarding and something that teaches me so much! It has made me more caring, more understanding, more patient and more loving and I need all the help I can get! I still have a long way to go and I know that motherhood is making me a better me!